Wednesday, April 05, 2006
When someone dear is suffering
Ram Ram,
Sorry not to have posted a blog for some time. My son was very ill for the past 10 days. Now he is basically back to normal.
It feels like an appropriate time to write a little about what to do with Fear and Sadness Sadhana when someone near and dear is suffering from a grave ilness.
It is of course difficult not to worry about that person, especially if the reason for the illness is not clear. On the other hand it makes the experience a lot easier. It is the task of the doctors to find out what is wrong and as a layman there is not much use in making all kinds of wild guesses. Better use that energy for taking care of the patient in the best possible way and certainly it helps the patient to keep his own worries under control if people around stay calm about it. Other people involved usually do have such worries and feel the need to guess at all possible consequences. It is a rather subtle task to deal with them without offending their feelings and at the same time not to be caught by them.
All the above gives plenty of good reasons not to give in to the worrying mood. But how to do it ? First, it requires a different kind of understanding on how the future works. Truly anything can happen anytime. One must learn to surrender to whatever life brings and see that all suffering has meaning. Then one can move beyond pleasure/pain experiences and live every second of ones life to the full, without discrimination. Then one can live in the now and deal with the now without worries for tomorrow.
Second, Fear Sadhana also requires that one reviews ones attachments. The more one is attached to things, jobs, people, etc... the more one has to fear losing. Love is a term often used for our strongest attachments and the love of a parent for a child most often is the strongest love a person experiences. One can learn however to love without attachment, to genuinely care and take care without needing a personal motivation. This requires the development of a more universal sense of love, of being connected to everyone and everything. Such love can still be expressed very much on an individual level depending on ones roles in life. When one can love a mere stone as much as one can love a son or daughter, then there is no attachment to the object of the love. Then love just is self-evident and neither fear nor jealousy or sadness are needed to prove it to yourself or others.
The same goes for dealing with the pity one can feel for the pain and discomfort of the patient. When we can turn this into genuine compassion directed at that person but equally available towards all suffering in the world, then it is without attachment. And when we can see that the suffering of pain is caused by ignorance only, by attachment to the body, then we can feel compassion for the ignorance that causes it, rather than sadness for the pain the patient feels. Then, if circumstance allows, we can even try to teach the patient to see this difference, to look upon the pain as a learning experience and thus truly provide a help that offers a true cure. Even with a child this is possible as long as it feels the teaching is given out of love and not just to keep it quiet. The confrontation for example with other sick children in the hospital, that might be facing much more painful experiences, can help to make a child more aware of the suffering around him.
Throughout all this, when doing Fear or Sadness Sadhana, it is quite natural if worried or sad thoughts come. The main task is to look them straight into the face, question their value and see them off as a result of that process. Then focus on the help one can give. Stay in a good mood around the patient while taking care of his/hers every need, so that he/she feels no reason to doubt your love and care and will actually enjoy your presence, rather than become depressed because of it.
Some readers will now feel that while the above may sound reasonable, it is all very rational and cold, while actually the feeling level is most important and warmth is the most essential part of it. Still to them, real love requires tears and fears. That is fine also. Tears especially can be very healing. It is a difficult subject to breach in a blog like this. When someone dear is suffering, expressing love is the main healer and the purer one can keep it, the better it will be.
Ram Ram,
Peter
Sorry not to have posted a blog for some time. My son was very ill for the past 10 days. Now he is basically back to normal.
It feels like an appropriate time to write a little about what to do with Fear and Sadness Sadhana when someone near and dear is suffering from a grave ilness.
It is of course difficult not to worry about that person, especially if the reason for the illness is not clear. On the other hand it makes the experience a lot easier. It is the task of the doctors to find out what is wrong and as a layman there is not much use in making all kinds of wild guesses. Better use that energy for taking care of the patient in the best possible way and certainly it helps the patient to keep his own worries under control if people around stay calm about it. Other people involved usually do have such worries and feel the need to guess at all possible consequences. It is a rather subtle task to deal with them without offending their feelings and at the same time not to be caught by them.
All the above gives plenty of good reasons not to give in to the worrying mood. But how to do it ? First, it requires a different kind of understanding on how the future works. Truly anything can happen anytime. One must learn to surrender to whatever life brings and see that all suffering has meaning. Then one can move beyond pleasure/pain experiences and live every second of ones life to the full, without discrimination. Then one can live in the now and deal with the now without worries for tomorrow.
Second, Fear Sadhana also requires that one reviews ones attachments. The more one is attached to things, jobs, people, etc... the more one has to fear losing. Love is a term often used for our strongest attachments and the love of a parent for a child most often is the strongest love a person experiences. One can learn however to love without attachment, to genuinely care and take care without needing a personal motivation. This requires the development of a more universal sense of love, of being connected to everyone and everything. Such love can still be expressed very much on an individual level depending on ones roles in life. When one can love a mere stone as much as one can love a son or daughter, then there is no attachment to the object of the love. Then love just is self-evident and neither fear nor jealousy or sadness are needed to prove it to yourself or others.
The same goes for dealing with the pity one can feel for the pain and discomfort of the patient. When we can turn this into genuine compassion directed at that person but equally available towards all suffering in the world, then it is without attachment. And when we can see that the suffering of pain is caused by ignorance only, by attachment to the body, then we can feel compassion for the ignorance that causes it, rather than sadness for the pain the patient feels. Then, if circumstance allows, we can even try to teach the patient to see this difference, to look upon the pain as a learning experience and thus truly provide a help that offers a true cure. Even with a child this is possible as long as it feels the teaching is given out of love and not just to keep it quiet. The confrontation for example with other sick children in the hospital, that might be facing much more painful experiences, can help to make a child more aware of the suffering around him.
Throughout all this, when doing Fear or Sadness Sadhana, it is quite natural if worried or sad thoughts come. The main task is to look them straight into the face, question their value and see them off as a result of that process. Then focus on the help one can give. Stay in a good mood around the patient while taking care of his/hers every need, so that he/she feels no reason to doubt your love and care and will actually enjoy your presence, rather than become depressed because of it.
Some readers will now feel that while the above may sound reasonable, it is all very rational and cold, while actually the feeling level is most important and warmth is the most essential part of it. Still to them, real love requires tears and fears. That is fine also. Tears especially can be very healing. It is a difficult subject to breach in a blog like this. When someone dear is suffering, expressing love is the main healer and the purer one can keep it, the better it will be.
Ram Ram,
Peter
Previous Posts
- Want to be happy ?
- Old emotional patterns die hard
- Who are you ?
- Are disagreable emotions necessary ?
- Happily Lazy
- Always look on the bright side of life ?
- Back from duty
- When someone dear is suffering
- New Moon
- Back from the land of spiritual milk & honey
archives
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
